One question haunts and hurts too much, too much to mention:was I really seeking good or just seeking attention? Is that all good deeds are when looked at with an ice-cold eye? If that's all good deeds are, maybe that's the reason why no good deed goes unpunished.
Once again I re-learned for the umpteenth time that it is impossible to rely on anyone to help you. No matter how nice you are, no matter how much you do, it doesn't seem to matter. You help your family, friends, co-workers, but some days you just wonder why you even bother.
I thought I was having a good day today...visiting my grandmother, tutoring at school to earn some extra money before summer session starts next week. But when I visited my mother, that day seemed to go downhill.
I apparently didn't do enough to help her while I was there, and she took it out on me a bit. I pretty much helped her run the household when I lived there, and somehow it's my responsibility to help her run it when I no longer live there. I don't do a good enough job, surprise.
The electrician is coming tomorrow to install some lighting and do some rewiring. My mother had me put out the boxes of lights, cords, etc. that had been ordered for them to use. Thinking I was saving my brother time by taking them out (since he has to go over to let them in tomorrow), I texted and tweeted him to let him know what I had done.
I was looking for no prize, no overt "Oh, you're so wonderful. I don't know what I would do without you." And what did I get? Him accusing me, via text, of giving him attitude and "coming at him" angrily. I love it. Only he could interpret something that way (although he learned it from my father) and compound the ruin of a perfectly good day that began after I left work.
I don't understand why people always feel the need to be so cruel. I'm sorry that it's not enough that I work full-time, help my mother with her house, help my grandmother, pretty much singlehandedly help organize everyone's affairs.
Often I believe I was born in the wrong time period. Chivalry is dead. Women look at you like your nuts when you try to hold doors for them or do anything courteous in any way. Family members think you never do enough. Co-workers, although they may not say it, do not think you are adequate.
I try to be a good person and help but as I mentioned in the first paragraph, it is all for naught. There's no point in being nice to anyone or expecting anyone to be able to help you. In the end you are all alone. No one cares. They may say the right things, even sometimes marginally do the right things for show, but that's what it is. A show. An act. Smoke and mirrors.
I don't know if it's because I live in the US that I constantly feel out of place, or if it's because I truly was not meant to live successfully in this era because I am stuck in outmoded, obsolete ways that no longer matter in this world. I guess I'll never know. Which is why even though I smile and act the nice boy, I'm starting to mean it less and less because people care less and less.
The corrupt, the conniving, the evil always seem to get rewarded. Wall Street bankers. Hedge fund managers. No one has any sense of ethics or morality any more and sometimes I wonder, why should I? Then I realize that it's small time people like me who would probably get caught or get comeuppance in some form.
But no good deed goes unpunished, and I guess that is the lesson for today. Good night all.
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