B/C movies and TV shows: Funny Quotes (To me)

I have very eclectic taste in movies and tv.  I have seen tons of movies and shows over the years and can rattle off quotes, scenes, actors, roles, and more useless trivia. 

Thanks to TBS and other cable channels, lots of ok movies are on all the time.  But it's these that I love the most because even though they are what most people would consider to be mediocre or bad, the writers have some gems in their dialogue.  Below are some of my favorite quotes from B/C movies, among other miscellaneous tv quotes that are my favorites.

I didn't write the quotes and they do not reflect any of my opinions.  Or do they?



Nick Brady: Bottomless breadsticks only keep you at the Olive Garden for so long, until at some point you look up and say 'Why the hell am I at the Olive Garden with all these fat people?'

Nick Brady: Diora? I believe that's Italian for 'beautiful princess'.
Diora: No.
Nick Brady: Well it should be, I'm calling the dictionary people.

Nick Brady: How'd you two crazy kids meet, Rick?
Dr. Rick: It's a funny story actually. Our parents knew each other from way back... and they introduced us.
Shawn Colfax: Whoo. Not that funny a story. Not even a story really, just like a fact.
Fired Up!

Samantha James: You and I are gonna be the greatest musical manager team since Jessica Simpson and her father only you and I get to "mreow" and they can't, 'cause it's illegal. I looked it up.
Just Friends

Vivian: Nice outfit.
Elle: Oh, I like your outfit too, except when I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated.

Margot: Here, you're gonna need this.
Elle: Your scrunchie?
Margot: My LUCKY scrunchie. It helped me pass Spanish.
Serena: You passed Spanish because you gave Professor Montoya a lap dance after the final.
Margot: Yeah... Luckily!
Legally Blonde 

Shelley: Carrie Mae, you need to be more mysterious.  Now get back over there and talk to those guys.
Carrie Mae: Do you guys know where the crapper is? I have to do a *very mysterious* thing in there...

Shelley: Instead of the Mahi-Mahi, can I get just the one Mahi, because I'm not that hungry?
The House Bunny 

Amber Atkins: [Running onto the scene of her and her mom's blown up trailer home] Mom? MOM?
Fireman: Whoa, whoa, whoa... you family?
Loretta: No, she's just yelling, "Mom, mom," because she has Tourettes! She's Annette's kid dipshit.
Drop Dead Gorgeous 

"I don't know why Francine's always mad at me for always being right.  I don't get mad at her for always being wrong."

"We can't choose our fathers, but we can choose our father figures. I chose my mother. That set me back a bit."

Francine: How's everyone's French toast?
Stan: Smelly and ungrateful. But this American toast is delicious!
American Dad



Chris: What do you do at a Young Republicans meeting?
Alyssa: We help those who already have the means to help themselves. Also, we perpetuate the idea that Jesus chose America to destroy non-believers and brown people.
Chris: I don't know why, but I feel safer already.

Peter: Fox has one of those new reality shows at eight, 'Fast animals, slow children.'
Peter: Hey, Lois, look! The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change.

Brian: Hola, me llamo es Brian ... Nosotros queremos ir con ustedes.. uhhhh ...
Bellboy (Spanish): Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak English!
Bellboy (sigh): No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You .... you're kidding me, right?
Bellboy (Spanish): Que?
Brian: Oh my god! They're eating Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa! 
Peter: That's crazy...they'll just be hungry again in an hour.
Family Guy




I'm tired, maybe more to come another day.  Last question: can anyone identify this show from the quote?

You can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he'll die.

Fullmetal Alchemist: Great Show, Great Lessons

Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return.  To obtain, something of equal value must be lost.  That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange.  In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only truth. 

These words, spoken by Alphonse Elric, open the anime series Fullmetal Alchemist.  This is the only anime series I have ever watched religiously (and I can't wait to buy Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood on DVD).  I tried to watch Avatar: The Last Airbender and may start up again, but it is nowhere near as good as Fullmetal.

The series chronicles the lives of the Elric brothers, Alphonse and Edward, who lived with their mother after their father had left them to become, as the show calls it, a "dog of the military."  The boys' mother, however, eventually dies and the children are orphaned.  Having studied their father's texts on alchemy, they try the most daring experiment in the discipline: to bring their mother back to life through human transmutation.

The plan backfires, however, as this is a violation of alchemy's law.  Alchemy follows one major rule: equivalent exchange. Unlike magic, which creates something out of nothing, alchemy creates a different rearrangement of something preexisting.  After gathering together all of the chemical components of the human body, the boys offered a bit of their blood to complete the process. 
 
This exchange appeared equivalent in their eyes, but they failed to take into account the human soul. Before they realized what was happening, Al's body suddenly began vanishing and Ed rushed to try to save his brother.  He was vanishing as well.  By the end of the ordeal, Ed had lost not only his left leg, but also his right arm.  Al's soul, through this action of attempted human transmutation, was sealed inside a suit of armor that was in the room where they attempted their fateful violation of alchemy's primary law.
 
The show chronicles the journey of the two brothers as they seek the legendary Philosopher's Stone, which would allow them to reclaim their bodies, and perhaps bring their mother back after all.
 
Along the way they encounter other alchemists and races of people who are after the same gewgaw because of the power that it holds.  They learn of genocide and other attempts at human and human-animal transmutation that result in the often blinded quest for this stone. 
 
This show has it all.  Remnants of the philosopher's stone are carried in homunculi, and come in the form of Envy, Greed, Sloth, Lust, Pride, Gluttony, and Wrath.  These homunculi are seemingly indestructible due to the presence of the philosopher's stone inside themselves, and they deceive and kill in order to exact their revenge.  Edward and Al, in order to defeat them and get back their bodies, must destroy them.
 
Enter the military and Colonel Roy Mustang , that seeks to use the impressive alchemical knowledge Ed and Al demonstrate, and you have a show that touches on human themes of corruption, destruction of others to gain a "good" (a relative term, as in Boethius' The Consolation of Philosophy), love, loneliness,evil, and right and wrong. 
 
I have not even begun to discuss the many adventures Ed and Al embark upon, but the episodes offer lessons through subtle subtext and innuendo that we need to hear, like it or not.  But the nicest part about the show is that it is not preachy, but rather sees and portrays life for what it is, whether in the Elric's world or in our own.  The parallels are obvious but also subtle. One of the main villains who seeks the Philosopher's Stone is Fuhrer Bradley.
 
 It's a great show and I highly recommend it. If you didn't understand my introduction, perhaps you need to watch a few episodes to get a better sense of it. 
 
If I messed up any details let  me know, and happy watching.
 
“The philosopher’s stone. Those who possess it are no longer bound by the laws of equivalent exchange in alchemy. They gain without sacrifice and create without equal exchange. "  Hmm...maybe that's why everyone wants it so badly. 

Casey Anthony: Not Guilty?

In the movie "Legally Blonde," Elle Woods' professor asks her if she would rather defend a client who committed a crime malum in se (a regulatory or civil crime) or malum prohibitum (a crime that is inherently evil or violent).

After listening to her rival Vivian answer malum prohibitum, Elle changes her mind and says she chooses to defend a client accused of the "dangerous one" because she is not afraid of a challenge.

Apparently, Casey Anthony's defense team was not afraid of a challenge either. The prosecution in this case had a lot of DNA evidence, but were unable to connect it to Ms. Anthony. They might have been able to establish motive and opportunity but they did not connect Ms. Anthony to the crime itself, in they eyes of the jury.

Whether you think Ms. Anthony committed the crime (I believe she did), the defense in this case drummed their mantra of reasonable doubt, and it resonated with the jury.

I liken this trial to the OJ Simpson trial, as have many talking heads of late. The prosecution had all of the tools it needed (I'm looking at you, Marcia Clark) , but was unable to establish its case without reasonable doubt. It is a tremendous lesson in our justice system and the US Constitution.

Again, regardless of whether you think Ms. Anthony committed murder or manslaughter, there was room for reasonable doubt, which is the basis of our legal system. The prosecution had a burden of proof, and it did not air tightly demonstrate its case.

The differences in strategies of the defense and the prosecution is striking. The prosecution sought to portray her as a party animal and a whore, but the defense kept to it's mantra of reasonable doubt. The prosecution's major witness, the coroner, apparently did not do an adequate job. Really? An inability to establish cause of death? Didn't even open the skull of the baby? The prosecution did not once say, "This is, with certainty, how Casey killed her baby."

And the hiker who "found" the body? His story changed more often than the horse in Emerald City changed colors in "the Wizard of Oz." although Casey Anthony is clearly a liar and a sociopath, she still worked with her defense team. Whatever happened to Caylee, whether it was drowning or asphyxiation, the defense was able to show to the jurors that there still existed reasonable doubt.

It's unfortunate about the outcome for those who believes she is guilty, no cause or manner of death was established. There exists reasonable doubt. This case will likely be studied in law school for years to come, and perhaps The prosecution will appeal. Oh wait! Can we say double jeopardy? Maybe Casey's parents will be tied to the crime or cover-up. Who cam say? But until then at least one can say: Casey is innocent until proven guilty. And the prosecution couldn't do that.

Don't read too much into it. Take the outcome for what it is: the American justice system at work. like it or not, we want to adhere to the Constitution. It was written for a reason. And to all the lawyers and talking heads offering their two cents, you weren't at the trial; nor were we. The media crucified her, but the sequestration of the jurors clearly, along with the defense's case, led to a conclusion to this circus. You may not like it, but them's the breaks.